FIRST PIZZA RAT, AND NOW THIS: To lure millennials, Chuck E Cheese turns to alcohol.

Because “Nothing says classy like a Moscato and skee-ball.”

SHOCKING NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF SCIENCE: Your Facial Bone Structure Has a Big Influence on How People See You. “Taken together the findings suggest facial expressions strongly influence perception of traits such as trustworthiness, friendliness or warmth, but not ability (strength, in these experiments). Conversely, facial structure influences the perception of physical ability but not intentions (such as friendliness and trustworthiness, in this instance). In addition, decisions that involve guessing at the possible intentions of a person such as to whom you would entrust your money management are more strongly influenced by facial expression, whereas those based on physical ability such as whom you would bet on in a sporting event are more strongly influenced by facial structure.”

TRIGGER WARNING — IT’S “TRIGGER WARNING WEEK!” “Direct 2 Drive, an online games retailer, has adopted the PR strategy of the moment: relentless mockery of hand-wringing social justice warriors on the web. D2D recently launched a tongue-in-cheek ‘Trigger Warning Week,’ a limited offer of 50 – 80% discounts off gaming’s ‘most inclusive, diverse, and empowering titles.'”

Meanwhile, automaker Kia mocks another facet of PC culture: the “everybody’s a winner” trophy for mere “participation” in sports.

ONLINE BUYING OFFERS INSUFFICIENT OPPORTUNITIES FOR GRAFT: Why Are We Still Buying Cars at Dealerships? Shouldn’t we be able to buy cars online by now?

MSM HAPPENS: Ryan Lizza’s Deceptive Edit Of Jeb Bush Shows How Awful Media Are At Covering Conservatives.

Update: “Media: ‘@PPact videos are HIGHLY EDITED, but our totally-out-of-context-Jeb-Bush-quote is totes legit.'”

BULLETS & BOURBON UPDATE: Ed Morrissey will be talking Bullets & Bourbon with event organizer Nina Yablok on The Ed Morissey Show at the top of the hour.

WHERE WILL KEITH BE FIRED FROM NEXT? Exclusive: NBC’s Andy Lack to Meet with Keith Olbermann on Possible MSNBC Return.

Surveying the pathetic state of the US Senate, P.J. O’Rourke once quipped that “The founding fathers, in their wisdom, devised a method by which our republic can take one hundred of its most prominent numbskulls and keep them out of the private sector where they might do actual harm.”

Similarly, if the above news does come to pass, it will be awfully convenient of NBC-MSNBC-Comcast to bundle Olbermann, Brian Williams, Al Sharpton, and Chris Matthews together all on the same network as an entire Star Wars cantina-style channel full of “must flee TV.”

Related: Watch Mika Brzezinski explain how AR 15s can “blow up animals.”

GOODNIGHT WESTERN CIVILIZATION, IT’S BEEN FUN! Feminists Fall For #PissForEquality Hoax.

REPORT: HILLARY CLINTON ‘NEGOTIATED LIMITS’ WITH NBC NEWS TO AVOID ‘VICIOUS HUMOR’ ON ‘SNL.’

Contrast SNL producer-creator Lorne Michael’s kid glove treatment of Hillary with how Gerald Ford’s press secretary Ron Nessen was demolished when he stupidly volunteered to host the show in its first season. Michaels’ then-wife (and a writer on the show) admitted afterwards, the goal of the show’s writers was “The President’s watching. Let’s make him cringe and squirm” — and he certainly did.

A big difference though: despite many of them being Democrats, NBC’s elite old guard upper management were genuinely shocked by the tone of Michael’s then-new show; for that same reason, Johnny Carson would have little to do with them, despite sharing virtually all of their politics.

These days, Lorne Michaels, as the producer of both SNL and the Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon is NBC’s upper management, and the tone he instilled via SNL is the tone of NBC-MSNBC-Comcast.

But then, as original Saturday Night Live writer Anne Beatts liked to quip, “you can only be avant-garde for so long, before you become garde.” Or palace guard, in the case of Michaels, who last year was accused by one of his writers of giving Mr. Obama veto power over SNL jokes. Wouldn’t want the president cringing and squirming or anything.

DISPATCHES FROM THE EDUCATION APOCALYPSE: Ivy League prof. calls Ben Carson a ‘coon:’

• U Penn Prof Anthea Butler tweeted “If only there was a ‘coon of the year’ award” in response to Ben Carson’s claim that people have the right to display Confederate flags on private property.

• In the past, Butler has tweeted that God is a “white racist” and Michael Brown’s death was a “blood sacrifice.”

• Butler has tenure status and has boasted “I can’t get fired” after previous criticism for her tweets.

But if she does, she can always receive tenure at MSNBC.

HAD ONE TOO MANY? These Breathalyzers will tell you.

AT AMAZON, take 40-60% off Watches.

Plus, get chores done with Amazon Home Services: Handpicked pros for landscaping, TV setup, plumbing and more.

LIFE IN THE 21ST CENTURY: Flight attendant reportedly made almost $1 Million having sex with passengers.

Q: WERE THE DINOSAURS KILLED OFF BY AN ASTEROID IMPACT, OR BY VOLCANOES? A: YES. Study Finds Asteroid Ahead of Dinosaur Extinction Accelerated Volcanoes. “For decades, researchers have debated whether a major asteroid strike or enormous volcanic eruptions led to the demise of dinosaurs almost 66 million years ago. According to a new study, the answer might be somewhere in between: The asteroid impact accelerated the eruptions of volcanoes, and together, these catastrophes led to the mass extinction.” Hey, when you have an earth-shattering kaboom, the earth shatters.

CAN WE JUST SKIP FALL, THEN? ALSO WINTER. No, You’re Not Imagining It — The Fall Weather Really Can Trigger Migraines.

READER BOOK PLUG: From Lisa McElroy, Called On, the book that some people are calling this generation’s One L.

BUT AREN’T PEOPLE STILL GETTING FATTER? The drop in soda consumption represents the single largest change in the American diet in the last decade.

WELL, I AM AWFULLY SEXY: In the End, People May Really Just Want to Date Themselves. “The data reveals a clear pattern: People are interested in people like themselves. Women on eHarmony favor men who are similar not just in obvious ways — age, attractiveness, education, income — but also in less apparent ones, such as creativity. Even when eHarmony includes a quirky data point — like how many pictures are included in a user’s profile — women are more likely to message men similar to themselves. In fact, of the 102 traits in the data set, there was not one for which women were more likely to contact men with opposite traits. Men were a little more open-minded.” We usually are.

JONAH GOLDBERG: Saturday Night Live donates to Hillary campaign: Democratic candidates lean on media and entertainment friends for campaign coverage they want to deny Republicans.

CRAZY UNCLE JOE–YEAH, CRAZY AS A FOX: Biden himself leaked word of his son’s dying wish.

Joe Biden has been making his 2016 deliberations all about his late son since August.

Aug. 1, to be exact — the day renowned Hillary Clinton-critic Maureen Dowd published a column that marked a turning point in the presidential speculation.

According to multiple sources, it was Biden himself who talked to her, painting a tragic portrait of a dying son, Beau’s face partially paralyzed, sitting his father down and trying to make him promise to run for president because “the White House should not revert to the Clintons and that the country would be better off with Biden values.”

It was no coincidence that the preliminary pieces around a prospective campaign started moving right after that column. People read Dowd and started reaching out, those around the vice president would say by way of defensive explanation. He was just answering the phone and listening.

But in truth, Biden had effectively placed an ad in The New York Times, asking them to call.

Before that moment and since, Biden has told the Beau story to others. Sometimes details change — the setting, the exact words. The version he gave Dowd delivered the strongest punch to the gut, making the clearest swipe at Clinton by enshrining the idea of a campaign against her in the words of a son so beloved nationally that his advice is now beyond politics. This campaign wouldn’t be about her or her email controversy, the story suggests, but connected to righteousness on some higher plane.

Biden’s “Uncle Joe” schtick is designed to camouflage the career politician inside who has no qualms about lying to further his own ambitions. You know, the man who plagiarized his law review comment and falsely claims that he played college football, graduated in the top half of his law school class (he was 76 out of 85), had a blue collar upbringing, that his first wife and daughter were killed by a drunk driver (there is no evidence the driver was drunk), and that he was a skeptic of the Iran nuclear deal.

Biden has displayed, over a long period of time, a near-pathological propensity to lie in order to aggrandize himself. That he would “embellish” the story of his dying son’s last words–and plant the story himself with the New York Times–is just another example of this pattern.

Run, Joe, run!

MY USA TODAY COLUMN: Obama saves himself by gunning down Democrats’ electoral chances: Talking about gun control keeps the spotlight off foreign policy failure and a sputtering U.S. employment engine.

CULTURE OF CORRUPTION: How Hillary Clinton kept her wealthy friends close while at State Department.

IS THE POPE CATHOLIC? An LA Times oped today by a former chief of staff to Israeli PM Netanyahu answers itself, “Are Islamic State terrorists sneaking into the West?”

Not since World War II has Europe seen such a stark population shift. Germany is preparing to house a staggering 800,000 refugees from Syria and elsewhere this year, a decision that will surely alter the country’s very character. Other nations have also pledged refuge for significant numbers, and they will also inevitably face enormous integration challenges.

Meanwhile, Hungary and Slovakia have been vilified by many for rebelling against taking in thousands of refugees. Not only have they rejected European Union-imposed quotas, but both countries have made it clear that a mass Muslim migration would pose unacceptable demographic and cultural challenges. Their concerns are well founded, not only over integration but especially from a security perspective.

Lebanon’s education minister, Elias Bousaab, warned recently that two in every 100 Syrian migrants arriving in Europe are Islamic State fighters, sent to infiltrate a continent distracted by sympathy. If Bousaab’s conservative calculation proves accurate, it would mean that among the 10,000 Syrian refugees that Secretary of State John F. Kerry has pledged to allow into the United States in 2016, there could be 200 committed terrorists. . . .

Many in the West would prefer to open their arms to waves of refugees — terrorists among them — rather than take up arms to deal with the root of the problem. Of course, those who require refuge must be aided. But the West can best help them by flexing its considerable military muscle. Refusal to do so is likely to hand the likes of Islamic State a double victory, as it entrenches its positions in Syria and Iraq while also establishing a foothold in Europe. 

A war weary America, led by an impuissant and anti-American President, is dangerous for the globe.

TAXPROF ROUNDUP: The IRS Scandal, Day 880.