JUST TELL THEM IT’S A “FEMALE PENIS” AND THEY’LL BACK OFF: Suspicious Package: Airport security sucks for everyone. But for well-endowed men, it’s a whole different animal.

I’m not saying I have the biggest dick in the world. But we’re all biological outliers at the end of the day, and we all have at least one thing in common: TSA is constantly patting down our junk. It’s like they think we have a gun down there, or something. . . .

At first, I didn’t even totally comprehend that it was my penis that kept flaring up the security system. I thought I might just be outrageously unlucky. It wasn’t until one time when I caught a glimpse of the screen that the agents use to determine which part of a passenger’s body looks suspicious. Sure enough, a yellow square was painted right over my dick and balls, as if I was transporting an explosive in my nether regions.

I don’t envy the agents who are forced to do the patdown.

So I got a groin patdown a couple of years ago, and out of nowhere, with no thought on my part, I blurted out: “I identify as a woman so I’ll need a female agent to do that.” The look on the guy’s face was priceless, but I told him I was just joking, and he took it pretty well. I told him he’d better know what to do when someone said it for real. If I’d thought about it, I wouldn’t have, but it just popped out.