IF I WERE PARIS HILTON, I’d be deeply hurt by this report.

UPDATE: Reader Edward Baer emails:

No, if you were Paris Hilton you’d just be waking up with a wicked hangover (it’s 4 p.m. EST) next to some vapid rich (or famous) prettyboy on some yacht or in some fancy hotel somewhere exotic (or expensive) thinking “What in the world can I do next to try to get my parents (or, failing that, the media) to pay attention to me?!”

Good point.