VICTORY CONDITIONS: Here’s something from last October:

HOW TO TELL IF WE’RE WINNING OR LOSING; some pointers from reader Eric Bainter:

Katie O’Beirne blows off anthrax anxiety with mild profanity and stiff “bio-drink”: Win.

House of Reps gets panties in a wad and runs for cover: Lose.

Fly to Canada on vacation as planned before 9/11 and have good time: Win.

Canadian government apparently wrestling Belgium for last place in line behind – way behind – America: Lose, at least for the Canadian government.

Canadian independent muffler sign (big lighted one) says “God Bless our American Friends.” Win. If it hadn’t been a rental car, I woulda bought a new muffler system right then.

Rosie O’Donnell cancels shows: Big Win! no wait, lose. No, um, which is it – damn, tough to call this one..

During vacation fondue dinner, wife suddenly asks, “I wonder what Osama’s having for dinner in his cave? Rat fondue?” triggering near-asphyxiation through giggling with mouth full: Win.

Get up, retrieve newspaper and mail, go to work, do job, do lunch, do work, go home, kiss wife – like usual: Win.

Local TV station airs story on how Cipro is cheaper in Mexico – lose.

Turn off losers on TV, face in general direction of Afghanistan, wave appropriate finger, say “Anthrax this!”, go to bed, sleep soundly: Win.

Realize this war’s battleground is between my ears, and I control the battle’s outcome: Big Win.

By this standard, we’re doing pretty well.