NONE OF THIS IS WRONG, BUT IT SOUNDS CALCULATED TO DISCOURAGE FURTHER IMMIGRATION FROM THE NORTH:

See, people are pouring into Tampa Bay the way the Devil’s Juice pours into a chalice on a Friday night. Pick your source; they all show folks flocking here from other states and cities in Florida. Redfin recently named Tampa the No. 3 city in the country people want to move to, after Miami and Phoenix. It’s reflected in home values and the fact that buying or renting involves a deposit of $6,000,000 and solving a warlock’s riddles three. . . .

Organizations are squeezing spring festivals into the Last Few Bearable Days. There is a breeze. The nights are lovely. People are posting captions that read, “We live where you vacation!” which is overused, please try again. They are happy, though. No one is getting divorced. Literally no one. It’s science.

If you moved here in the winter, please know it’s about to come crashing down, and you soon will awake in a hell of your own design. . . .

The good news is, you’ll soon figure out which part of your patio is slightly sloped, because the standing water will be there for six months in the spot where you had cute string light dinners in March. Around August, you will realize your pressure washer from Costco has rusted in the shed. Watch out for the flies!

Don’t come to Knoxville, though. Poisonous snakes! Hillbillies with boobytraps defending their stills! Huge, intimidating pickup trucks!

UPDATE: Did I mention the pollen? The allergies are awful. Also, there are opossums everywhere, creeping around your back yard, getting into your trash cans. And people openly carrying firearms and big knives! Don’t come!!