WORLD WAR III IS GONNA BE LIT: Excessive masturbation is hurting China’s military. “The Chinese military says excessive masturbation and too many video games are among the reasons its physical-test failure rates have reached an ‘alarming high.’ The People’s Liberation Army is now dishing out advice after one city saw more than half its candidates — 56.9 percent — fail their physicals.”

Plus: “The PLA has struggled to recruit new members, despite desperate measures to find candidates like releasing a rap recruitment video last year. The Ministry of Defense last month announced the PLA would be cut from 2 million to 1 million — a move that some believe is due to a lack of new recruits.”