FRODO BAGGINS HAS BEEN CHARGED WITH WAR CRIMES by the International Criminal Court:

Baggins was responsible for casting the Ring of Power (otherwise known as the One Ring or simply the One) into the fires of Mount Orodruin in Mordor (“Where The Shadows Lie!” according to the Mordor Tourism Board), thereby destroying both the Ring and Sauron’s long-standing hope to bring heretofore fractious and inefficient Middle Earth under the central political control of the Dark Tower. Without the Ring, Sauron’s legions (defensive in nature and made necessary by the Lords of the West’s aggression, according to Barad-Dur spokesmen) of orcs, wolves, trolls, and “evil” Men lost the will to fight and became helpless in the face of the armies of the West. Millions were slaughtered as a direct and immediate consequence of the destruction of the Ring. . . .

Both Sauron and Saruman claim that their persecution by Baggins and the Lords of the West is based on their religious beliefs, also clearly in violation of Article 8. With the wanton destruction of the One Ring, Baggins also directly and callously murdered every one of the high priests of the Dark Lord’s religious order, known collectively as the Nazgul.

Don’t miss the photo of pro-Sauron protests at the White House.

UPDATE: A reader is upset that I “gave away the ending” here. Um, while I’m at it, Romeo and Juliet die at the end of the play, too. I mean, who doesn’t know this stuff? Some people, apparently.