IT JUST GETS WORSE: Amid the ongoing Calais migrant crisis, British lorry drivers have now been hit by a new worry – an invasion of fleas with giant penises. “Haulage companies claim the situation is so bad that teams of specially-trained dogs are being called in to sniff out the mites in lorry cabs. A recent report warned that the UK is now seeing ‘almost pandemic levels’ of fleas and bed bugs, which are invading millions of homes as well as hotels and hospitals. The fleas have mutated in such a way that not only do they have large manhood but they are now immune to poisons.”

It’s like some sort of creepy metaphor that, if you put it in a book, people would call too heavy handed.