DATING IN YOUR THIRTIES: “Do your best to find someone before you get here.” Is that really true?

UPDATE: Reader John Barton writes:

Is it true? God,no. At least from a man’s perspective, and I suppose it depends on where you live.

I performed a controlled experiment, in a way. I was single in my twenties, got married, divorced after a few years without kids or other obligations, and so was single again in my mid thirties. (I’m now mid forties, married with two kids.)

The second go-’round was entirely different than the first. By contrast, in my thirties, I knew myself far better, and was a better date as a result. I knew women far better, which was almost more important. And, unlike my twenties, I had some coin in my pocket, and could pursue far more interesting dating activities as a result.

I lived in New York at the time. Perhaps there are cities where the list of eligible women for mid thirties men becomes limited. Not New York. There, the reservoir of smart, accomplished women open to relationships without the immediate expectation that it should necessarily be leading somewhere deeper is bottomless.

Two related points:

– New York has scale sufficient so that no two women you date will have social overlaps. That matters. It is surely more difficult to be open to a number of relationships if your partners are members of the same social groups.

– I learned how the older divorced man may end up with the twenty something second wife. (Wasn’t my experience, my wife is my age.) Immediately post divorce, one is probably not inclined to look for a serious relationship before a certain amount of time has passed. Whether a women in her thirties is interested in finding a husband or not, the man is probably conscious of the woman’s biological clock. It’s not fair to abuse her time without an intention to consider deeper commitment. This isn’t the case with a woman in her early twenties, however. It’s easier to date a younger woman without thinking about the long term. And so, from such no pressure relationships may sometimes come marriages. It’s harder to explain the red sports car.

Well, sports cars are just cool. No further explanation needed.

UPDATE: Reader Cindy McNew writes:

“Is this true?” It’s quite true, although I think it’s not necessarily tied to age per se but more to how early your friends get married. What this person describes began happening to me in my twenties–when all your friends get married, surprise! there are no more single people in your immediate environment. You then have the choice of making a new batch of single friends–if you can find them–and navigating between a couple of different “groups” or sticking with what you know. And it’s true that as you move into your thirties, ordinary single people without a lot of baggage and hang-ups are harder to find, because if they didn’t have a bunch of hang-ups they’d probably be married already.

Bummer. And reader John Spomer writes:

Regarding the quote “Do your best to find someone before you get here,” you asked, “Is that really true?” I can give you a resounding YES. I was dumped by my partner of 5-1/2 years about two years ago. I’m 36 now, and dating opportunities have been scarce, at best. This, despite that I go to the gym every day after work, and am in the best shape of my life. Of course, the fact that I’ve lost a good portion of my hair probably doesn’t help.

Well, dang. All I can recommend is wearing an InstaPundit t-shirt while you work out. The ladies can’t resist that.