DOUGHNUTS: IS THERE ANYTHING THEY CAN’T DO? “This event, which happened recently in Staunton, IL, was a sweet one, as eating doughnuts got minutes taken off your final time, a situation where ‘prizes were awarded to those who finished with the fastest time, the fastest adjusted time (depending on number of doughnuts eaten) and for most doughnuts eaten.’ I’m starting my training this instant for next year’s race.”

When I was in law school, the Entryway H Invitational featured similar events, but for beer: Beer golf, beer bowling, beer softball, beer squash — the last a bit of a mistake, as alcohol, swinging wooden objects, and small hard-walled rooms don’t mix.