IF YOU CAN READ THIS WITHOUT LAUGHING OR CRYING: Now that the University of Manchester has deemed Rudyard Kipling insufficiently woke and scrubbed his poem “If” from the wall of its student union, Rod Little has revised the poem for today’s students:

If you can self-define as something you’re not,
And crawl into victimhood, however well-bred
And spew out tendentious sub-teenage rot
And wear a vagina on top of your head,
And whine like a ninny, inside your safe space,
When the real world intrudes on the crap you’ve averred,
Then apply to our college – we’ll give you a place,
(For about £30k). And you’ll get a third.

As further punishment, you’ll be forced to read the Maya Angelou poem that has replaced “If” on the wall at Manchester.