JAMES LILEKS: The truth about the Ancient Astronauts.

Erich von Däniken, popular author of a series of books about “ancient astronauts,” passed away on the tenth of January. His most famous work was “Chariot of the Gods?, a book that surely did not need the question mark. You can just respond “No,” and move on to the next subject. You probably remember his thesis: mankind was visited by aliens long ago, and they taught us things before heading back to the stars, never to return. You probably don’t know this: next Friday you can [go] to his theme park to get drunk and dance. But we’ll get to that.

I’m sure I found the idea intriguing as a kid, because these unfalsifiable conjectures fire the young imagination. Look at that ancient stone carving, it looks just like an astronaut in a capsule with a control panel wearing a pressurized space suit! Or it’s a lizard in a pot. I can’t say it didn’t happen, but if it did, it probably went like this:

The ship descends, all the humans drop the ground gibbering and bowing: the gods have arrived! Didn’t have that on the bingo card. Everyone bows down. The aliens give each other that look: every time. Always with the bowing.

“Okay, get up, we have work to do. No, we don’t want you to cut up a cow for us. No myrrh, we’re allergic.”

“Yes my lord god! I mean no. What do your greatness commandeth?”

“We’re going to build pyramids.”

“Pyramids.”

“Yes. Big square buildings with pointy tops. Here’s how.”

I’m pretty sure I saw the movie version of Chariots of the Gods — I think the film left von Däniken’s question mark off for savings — when I was a kid, but then the bar for what passed as a “documentary” was awfully low back then. (Seen at Chariots’ Wikipedia page: “Film critic Phil Hall said ‘They don’t make films like this any more, and we should be glad for that.’”)