JON CALDARA: Taxpayers foolishly subsidized my new electric car.

I want to thank the taxpayers of Colorado for my brand-new car. Really, thanks to each and every one of you dupes.

You see, I have never in my 60 years had a brand new, off-the-lot automobile. Instead, I buy used, and I mean really used, cars and drive them until they drop. Out of college I bought a sexy $500 Datsun 210 and sold it eight years later for $950.

My current beater is a 2010 Nissan Altima. I bought it with 95,000 miles for $6,000. It now has over 200,000 miles and still going strong. I drive ugly, old used cars.

Why do I drive these cars? Simply, because I know what women like. While they’ll rarely admit it out loud, when a woman sees a bald man tooling around town in a 15-year-old rusted-out Japanese car she can’t help but think, “Mommy wants me some of that.”

So why buy a new car? It’s more than just my boredom with hot women leaving their phone numbers under my windshield wiper blade. I figure at my age I should stop spending big bucks on chick-magnet hot rods and start living more frugally. And there’s nothing more frugal than getting other people to buy you crap.

And that’s where you came in. Thanks to obscene tax credits, mandates, and regulations from the people you voted into office, I didn’t pay for most of this car.

Well, “car” might be a strong word. It’s more of a golf cart with Bluetooth. It’s a Nissan Leaf.

Jon, you sexy beast.