NEWS YOU CAN USE? Nine helpful tips for elderly fathers of adult criminals — The Biden Guide to Loving Your Boy:

7) Stay out of sibling drama

There will inevitably come a time in every father’s life when one of your crackhead sons starts cheating on his wife with his dead brother’s widow. Don’t get involved. If a bunch of scumbag reporters keep asking for comment, give them a generic statement about how “we’re all lucky” the two lovebirds “found each other as they were putting their lives together again after such sadness.” Remember, trying to insert yourself in some messy family drama is an unwelcome distraction from your own ambitions, presidential or otherwise.

8) Let him know your door is always open

If your son needs a place to crash, he should always feel welcome at your place of residence. If you happen to live in a heavily fortified location such as the White House, letting your son stay is a great way to help him avoid being served legal documents related to an ongoing paternity suit, for example. Your fatherly hospitality needn’t be unconditional, so set some ground rules. “Don’t leave drugs in the tourist section” is a good place to start.

9) Encourage him to express his feelings

Boys are often discouraged from showing emotion. A good father will always make his son feel comfortable expressing his feelings. For example, your son might be hesitant to discuss the “body dysmorphia” he suffers due to his “very large penis.” You should encourage him to talk about it. There will be times he lashes out at your wife, who may or may not refer to herself as a doctor for some reason, by calling her a “selfish silly entitled c—t” and a “vindictive moron” who “wouldn’t survive one class in a[n] ivy graduate program.” Let him vent. What are you going to do about it anyway? Punish him? That’s not very Biden.

Why, it’s as if: Joe Biden was never a wonderful guy, and definitely not the savior of democracy, no matter what his media supporters said.