THE WASHINGTON POST MORPHED INTO THE BABYLON BEE SO SLOWLY, I HARDLY EVEN NOTICED: Sitting on a throne of skulls, Mitch McConnell confirms his 8,999th judge. I thought the New York Times had the lock on Mean Girls snark, but the Post, with this column by Alexandra Petri is catching up fast:

Once there had been other things to do with this power that might have helped people in their brief spans on the globe. Those things were all gone. All that remained was vacancy, and Mitch McConnell was determined to fill it with judges.

What was a judge? Where would the judge sit? What would the judge uphold or overturn? What did any of it matter? It was not even very clear what he was confirming, except that he was confirming something and would continue to do so even after the sun burned out and the whole world was cast into ice and shadow.

“Just one more,” Mitch McConnell hissed. “No vacancies. Leave no vacancies.”

The Fates gave up spinning and measuring and cutting the threads of human lives. Perpetual motion machines wound to a halt. The world tree Yggdrasil cracked and a great serpent swallowed the Earth. Mitch McConnell continued appointing judges. This would be his life’s result. This would be his legacy.

Conan, what is best in life?