NO, THIS DID NOT HAPPEN IN COLORADO: Man, 74, Gave Out Hash Cookies At Mass.

As detailed in a police report, seven individuals fell ill shortly after consuming Jones’s homemade cookies, which he handed out at the conclusion of a 9:15 AM Sunday service. All of the victims, cops noted, sought treatment in the emergency room of a Bloomington hospital, where their symptoms included nausea, lethargy, anxiety, elevated blood pressure, and paranoia.

One parishioner who ate an entire cookie told police that he felt as if he was “having a stroke” and described feeling “like he was dying.” The man told cops that he recently had a triple bypass procedure and worried if “whatever happened today was going to adversely affect his heart.”

There’s nothing funny about dosing people with anything.