MORTON DOWNEY, JR. COMES TO CNN IN AUGUST: That’s the headline atop the press release the network’s PR people spammed me with this morning announcing that the former cable news channel turned all-documentaries-all-the-time outlet (except when plane crashes and race riots occur) has acquired the viewing rights for the documentary on the infamous chain-smoking late ‘80s shock TV pioneer. Downey, who died of lung cancer in 2001, was among the first to give Al Sharpton a national outlet during Sharpton’s initial velour track suit, medallion and pompadour phase — which isn’t all that surprising, considering Downey was apparently a Democrat himself before his transformation into a cartoon conservative. (See also: Trump, Donald.)

But still, after screwing around with Piers Morgan and Fareed Zakaria, I don’t think I can be faulted for seeing the above headline and thinking, “Finally, CNN has hired a host who can deliver the goods.”

Although in reality, this video shock jock who was handed his pink slip yesterday is probably already emailing his C.V. to CNN.