October 25, 2026

JEREMY CLARKSON: You can’t build there, newts need a view of Saturn.

Back in the summer, I was offered a large amount of hardcore which I wanted to use to provide hard standing in the field we use as a car park at my pub. And I was keen to get cracking for two reasons: firstly, it was a limited-time offer and, secondly, I wanted it in place before the winter rains turned the field into a mud bath.

Urgency, however, is not a word that’s fully understood by local authorities. So I’m sitting here today, with the rain falling, and we can’t get permission. We’ve rung. We’ve begged. We’ve pleaded. We’ve explained that if we don’t do the work now we will lose the hardcore and, all winter, our customers will be dragging tons of mud onto the roads. And all we get back is silence.

There are similar problems, still, at the farm shop. We need to know what we are allowed to do up there in the coming years and it’s like we are dealing with Helen Keller. Nearly 300 people are employed by my various enterprises these days. And all of them want to know if their jobs are secure. So too do the owners of all the cafés, antique shops and guesthouses in the area who rely on Diddly Squat’s popularity for much of their business. And all we can ever tell them is: “We don’t know.”

There’s no doubt that the planning system in this country is broken, and I suspect it’s because far too many people are invited to have an opinion on each application. When we wanted the restaurant, we even had to ask the police what they thought. And then you have to ask the Environment Agency and Historic England and Natural England and the parish council and your local water company and the highways department and the county council and they’re all going to chime in, because if they don’t, they’re admitting their jobs are pointless.

Give them a break Jeremy – England’s local councils are simply trying to prevent the nation from descending into a bear market:

A Council official turned up at the home of YouTube pianist Brendan Kavanagh—better known as Dr K—to investigate his 12-year-old daughter Zoe’s pretend teddy bear cafe for illegal trading.

Yes, really. Stuffed animals, toy tea sets, play money, and a handwritten “prices” sign in a family property triggered a formal Bedford Borough planning department visit after a complaint about an “illegal cafe.”

Kavanagh filmed the arrival and the tour. The official showed ID outside, then walked through the setup of teddies around a table with cups and cakes. Obviously, no actual trading was happening with real customers. Just a child’s game in a private home. Threatening letters had already arrived from the council’s planning department.

The official appeared to have done almost no homework. She referenced a website tied to the complaint but showed little grasp of what she was actually investigating or the basic facts before grilling the family at their own home. This is the same local authority environment that has previously sent multiple officers to the Kavanagh property.

Armando Iannucci, the writer/director of The Death of Stalin and the creator of HBO’s Veep series is currently working on the next Paddington movie. Real life in England has just provided him plenty of satiric content.

Posted at 4:30 pm by Ed Driscoll