GOOD AND HARD, FUN CITY: The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Your New ‘Red-Green’ City.

You’re no idiot, of course. You know how to navigate the subway (mostly), find the best dollar slice, and avoid eye contact on the L train. But when it comes to the “seismic shift” in your city’s government, you might feel a little out of your depth. Who are these new people? Why does the Mayor want to “decolonize” your landlord? And what exactly is a “Red-Green” alliance?

Don’t panic! The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Your New ‘Red-Green’ City is here to help you understand how your vote for cheaper rent accidentally bought you a ticket to a “civilizational jihad.”

Part 1: The “Trojan Horse” (It’s Not Just a Gift!)

You thought you were voting for “bread and butter” issues like affordable housing. But surprise! You actually voted for a “Trojan Horse” filled with revolutionaries.

Chapter 1: Meet Your New Mayor (He’s Cool, He’s Hip, He’s … a Tribalist?)

Zohran Mamdani might look like your average progressive who enjoys a good cold brew, but experts say he’s actually a “Muslim Tribalist.” While he certainly doesn’t act like a hardline cleric from Tehran—he is way too cool for that—his goals are far more specific. He views New York City not as a bustling metropolis, but as a “colonial outpost” that needs to be “decolonized.” Consequently, his strategy involves using the Mayor’s office as a “forward operating base” for a global war.

Idiot’s Definition: “Affordability Agenda” This is a clever disguise used to hide a network of Islamists and socialists who want to dismantle Western civilization while you’re distracted by the promise of lower rent.

Part 2: Going Green (And We Don’t Mean Recycling)

In this administration, “Green” stands for the Global Islamist Movement. Meet the new folks in charge of your community organizing!

It’s satire — but it really isn’t.