DARK BRANDON COMES OUT SWINGING! I’m Just That F—ing Good: Gaza Peace Plan Was the Opening Act of My Bold Second-Term Agenda.
Earlier this week, I traveled on Air Force One to Jerusalem to fence some diamonds for Hunter. I also addressed the Israeli Knesset, where I was reminded of something my former press aide Andrew Bates once said: “To answer the question on everyone’s minds: No, Joe Biden does not have a doctorate in foreign affairs. He’s just that fucking good.” Andrew is one of the most intelligent and loyal public servants I have ever known, which is why I was honored to nominate him for Treasury Secretary after my so-called friends in the U.S. Senate refused to confirm my kid brother James.
Don’t worry, you can thank me later. My diplomatic talents notwithstanding, solving the Gaza conflict wasn’t easy. We toiled for years without results, but it finally paid off earlier this year, around the time of my second inauguration. Everything just started to click. We solved inflation and the border crisis without batting an eye, then we turned our sights on the Middle East. The usual suspects didn’t think I could pull it off, especially since I’ve been working so hard on other important issues such as climate justice, health care for transgender youth, and amnesty for violent criminals. Joe Scarborough thought I was washed up, tried to give me the name of Mika’s Botox guy. Ian Sams—my own White House press secretary—still won’t let me poop in private. But I persevered.
This was truly a bipartisan accomplishment. I would like to thank former president Donald Trump and his team for streamlining the negotiations with our Arab partners. Barack Obama had absolutely nothing to do with this peace deal. What a bum. He must be pissing himself with jealousy right now. I got the peace deal, the transformative legacy, the hotter wife. He’s got an ugly half-finished library in Chicago, and a buttload of regret for ghosting me in 2016 and begging me to step down in 2024. Who’s laughing now, Hussein?
Heh, indeed. Read the whole thing.™