OLD AND BUSTED: Bomb Canada, The Case for War.

The New Hotness? And now let’s bomb Glastonbury.

A small yield nuclear weapon, such as the American W89, dropped on Glastonbury in late June would immediately remove from our country almost everybody who is hugely annoying. You would see a marked reduction in the keffiyeh klan, for a start, and all those middle-class Extinction Rebellion protestors would find, in a nanosecond, that their rebellion was pointless, because extinction had arrived even more summarily than they expected. Go on, glue yourselves to that, Poppy and Oliver.

Street drummers, liberal politicians, provo vegans, radical rappers, spiritual healers, Billy Bragg, that bloke who owns Forest Green Rovers, druggies, tattooed blue-haired hags, almost the entirety of middle-class London – all evaporated. I am not saying that we should do this, of course – it would be a horrible, psychopathic thing to do. I am merely hypothesising, in a slightly wistful kinda way. One on Glasto, one on Brighton, and the UK would soon begin its recovery, with only a few chunks of gently glowing cobalt 60 left to remind us of what we are missing.

One on Glasto, one on Brighton, and the UK would soon begin its recovery

The BBC would cease to exist, too. It identifies Glastonbury as an expression of the UK ‘coming together’, which shows you how much it understands about the country. It has poured millions of pounds of licence-payers’ money into its coverage, and 400 staff were there last weekend, including the director-general, Tim Davie. Or at least 400 staff were actually working there – I’ll bet another 400 or so were there in their little tents, desperate to surf the vibe or whatever the phrase is. All those people, then, and they still couldn’t get it right.

Perhaps bombing is overkill, but “A lack of charges or punishment for the Glastonbury performers would be the ultimate confirmation of Britain’s two-tier policing and judiciary.”