TO BE FAIR, I’M SURE SHE RUNS A MEAN PICK SIX:
I can't tell if the person talking to her is male or female.
And that's why they are losing young men. Most young men aren't into androgyny, and they're tired of people telling them that that's the thing they should be into.
— The Galaxy's Shortest Wookie (@Crapplefratz) May 29, 2025
Fortunately though, Andrew Stiles of the Washington Free Beacon has compiled a handy guide to help bridge the language divide between Democrats and young men: Inside the Democratic Party’s Strategic Efforts To Enhance Receptivity in Masculine-Coded Heteronormative Cohorts Through Data-Driven Holistic Outreach.
Democratic donors and consultants have been meeting in luxury hotels to analyze the party’s inability to connect with male voters and propose alternative communications strategies. The results, according to the New York Times, have often resembled “anthropological studies of people from faraway places.” One liberal group is planning a $20-million campaign called “Speaking with American Men: A Strategic Plan,” or SAM for short, that will “study the syntax, language and content that gains attention and virality” in masculine-coded heteronormative communities.
The Washington Free Beacon has exclusively and semi-legally obtained an early draft of the data-driven blueprint for communicative outreach. Enjoy!
Instead of:
- “Hi there. What are your pronouns?”
- “Nice to meet you. Read any good female novelists lately?”
- “Good morning. Are you ready to combat fascism?”
- “Good afternoon. May I have consent to shake your hand?”
- “Crazy weather we’ve been having. Climate change is an existential threat to humanity.”
- “Don’t call me ma’am. It reeks of patriarchy.”
Please try:
- “Hi, how are you?”
- “Nice to meet you. Where are you from?”
- “What do you like to do in your spare time?”
Overcorrection (do not try):
-
“Sup, bro? What do you like more—tits or sluts?”
-
“Wanna meet up later and do some ‘roids?”
-
“For sure, I would totally let Joe Rogan bang my wife.”
It’s satire — or is it?