THE PEOPLE WHO CAME FOR YOUR PLASTIC BAG AND STRAW NOW WANT YOUR DOG:

From the people who turned your Mustang into a Prius and made it so your dishwasher does not actually wash dishes comes a new villain, not quite straight from central casting, in the imaginary war on the planet: dogs.

“We are all too aware of the negative effects of cats,” Australian academics Bill Bateman and Lauren Gilson write at The Conversation, “both owned and feral, on wildlife…. Our pet dogs seem to get a free pass.”

With all the charm of Almira Gulch and the subtlety of Michael Vick, Bateman and Gilson argue that man’s best friend really sits, and rolls over, as mankind’s great enemy.

The authors argue, “Our beloved pet dogs have a far greater, more insidious and more concerning effect on wildlife and the environment than we would like to be the case.”

How so?

“The medications we use to rid our pet dogs of fleas or ticks can last weeks on fur, and wash off when they plunge into a creek or river,” they write. “But some of these medications have ingredients highly toxic to aquatic invertebrates, meaning a quick dip can be devastating.”

They point out, “Dogs largely eat meat, meaning millions of cows and chickens are raised just to feed our pets.”

Sod off, swampy.