DAVE BARRY’S YEAR IN REVIEW: 2024 was an exciting year, and by ‘exciting,’ we mean ‘stupid.’
Yet another federal budget crisis is averted [in March] at the last minute when Congress passes a $1.2 trillion spending bill, which will enable the government to keep spending insanely more money than it takes in. The U.S. debt is now growing at the rate of a trillion dollars every 100 days, but fortunately this is not a problem because it will be taken care of by future generations. “No problem! Just put it on our tab!” is the view of future generations, and that is why we love them.
In other high-finance news, Donald Trump’s lawyers tell a New York court that he cannot raise the nearly half-billion dollars he needs for an appeal bond, having been turned down by more than 30 bond companies and an individual known as Anthony “Tony Three Nostrils” Avocado. Trump gets a break when an appeals court lowers the amount to $175 million, which Trump says he definitely has, although he left it in his other pants.
In a possibly related development, Trump announces that he is selling—we are not making this up—“God Bless the USA” Bibles for $59.95 a pop.
“It’s my favorite book,” he states, moments before being struck by lightning.
No, that did not happen and you are a bad person for even fantasizing about it.
In aviation news, a Boeing plane flying from Australia to New Zealand suddenly goes into a nosedive, injuring 50 people. Another Boeing plane, taking off from the San Francisco airport, loses a piece of landing gear. A Boeing spokesperson says that the company, after conducting an in-depth review, has tentatively identified the root cause of the recent problems.
“We think it’s gravity,” said the spokesperson. “It seems to be getting worse.” As a safety precaution, Boeing is advising pilots to avoid taking off, and simply taxi the planes from city to city, which the spokesperson says “may result in delays, especially to overseas destinations.”
Or as America’ Newspaper of Record reported earlier this year:
Boeing CEO Assures Nervous Fliers That All 737 Aircraft Are Built To The Highest Diversity Standards #BestOfTheBest2024 https://t.co/8X4G2Sc9bw
— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) December 27, 2024