AMERICA’S NEWSPAPER OF RECORD: Tulsi Gabbard Finally Realizes She’s Far Too Attractive To Be A Democrat.

Attractiveness experts agreed that Gabbard no longer had a place among the “sea of androgynous bags” that make up the Democrat Party. “We’re so glad she finally realizes how gorgeous she is,” said attractiveness expert Bubbs Bronson from Fort Wayne, Indiana. “Easy on the eyes, that’s for sure!”

Gabbard is currently ranked as 43rd best-looking member of the GOP, 21 spots below Thomas Massie, and far from attractive enough to displace someone at the top of the food chain like Ted Cruz. However, sources at Fox News say that she’s more than attractive enough to get a spot at their outlet whenever she retires from politics.

Heh, indeed.™