ARMOND WHITE: Barbie Gets Weaponized.
Greta Gerwig’s $145 million Barbie movie from Warner Bros. is not for children. Although founded on the Sixties doll made of vinyl compound and marketed by Mattel (whose rainbow-flag logo introduces the film), it only pretends to be fantasy storytelling. Set in pink-motif Barbieland, home of the iconic doll (played by Margot Robbie), it traverses a sci-fi “rip in the continuum between Barbieland and the real world” to allow Gerwig’s jaded-feminist adult social messaging.
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When Barbie grouses about “sexualized capitalism” and pouts “I’m not pretty,” Mirren interrupts: “Note to filmmakers: Margot Robbie is the wrong actress to cast to make this point.” Fact is, tough-blonde Robbie lacks slim, doll-like fragility. Granted, she achieves one of the film’s only two good moments: pantomiming crestfallen Barbie’s plastic stiffness. But Robbie’s lewd, manic stare (perfect for Suicide Squad) is too scary for Barbie. The film’s other good moment belongs, surprisingly, to Gosling, who lip-synchs Matchbox Twenty’s “Push” in perfect raspy parody of a corporate folk-rock teen idol.
After that, Barbie goes to plasticine hell. Diversity hires America Ferrera and Issa Rae give abominable speeches about Latino and black feminist sacrifice, and Rhea Perlman appears morphing Barbie inventor Ruth Handler into Ruth Bader Ginsburg. New Lizzo and Billie Eilish songs provide feminist equity. Things get more child-unfriendly when Gerwig tosses in terms such as “irrepressible thoughts of death,” “Proustian flashback,” and “patriarchy anxiety.” Most kids will probably be bored by Barbie, and even the cool kids might frown at Baumbach’s name-dropping hipster in-jokes about The Godfather (“Coppola’s aesthetic, the genius of Robert Evans, and the architecture of ’70s Hollywood”).
Worst yet: One of the man-hating Barbies sneers, “Like, I was really invested in the Zack Snyder cut of Justice League!” How could any decent industry professional attack another filmmaker this way? It’s the ultimate sign that Gerwig and Baumbach know nothing about making pop entertainment. They left the indie-world of American eccentrics to join Hollywood’s obnoxious elite. Frantic, uncheerful, and graceless, Barbie symbolizes a culture that devalues childhood and goodness.
Gergwig is set to infuse another beloved childhood icon with maximum wokeness: Barbie Director Greta Gerwig Provides Update On The Chronicles Of Narnia Films.