AMERICA’S NEWSPAPER OF RECORD: Pathetic Excuse For A Subaru Owner Only Has 48 Stickers On Back Of Car.

PORTLAND, OR — Multiple independent reports have confirmed that Portland resident Allie Peck has become the laughingstock of her drum circle this week after she pulled up in a Subaru with an embarrassingly low 48 stickers on the back.

“You’re missing some of the basics – you don’t even have ‘#RESIST’ or ‘Think Globally, Act Locally’ or ‘Well-Behaved Women Rarely Make History’ – this is Subaru 101, man!” Allie’s friend, hacky-sack instructor Dan “Free Solo” Kirk, cackled at Allie’s weak showing. Eyewitnesses say the interchange caused one of the dirtier hippies to tumble off a nearby slackline, creating a chain reaction that knocked off several Rastafarian hats and overturned a bong.

There isn’t even a Dukakis-Bentsen bumper sticker, for Gaia’s sake!