THEN THROW AWAY THE FORK: Put a Fork in Portland.

Portland use to be one of my favorite towns to visit. It had fun bars and groovy thrift stores. Now it looks like Detroit on a bender.

The difference between my hometown, the Motor City, and Portland is that Portland’s death was intentional. Whereas Detroit was murdered by a perfect storm of crotch-kicks from the auto industry and a racist, corrupt mayor, Portland was killed by its own citizens and the Democratic Party.

I should have seen what the future of Portland would look like. The last time I was there was in 2010. Everything seemed fine except for the huge homeless population. Note to self: when you have hundreds of drugged-out homeless people living wherever they want in a town, death is nigh.

As I was walking through a park to get to a comedy club I suddenly realized I was hip-deep in homeless people (situational awareness was not a strength of mine). It looked like I was walking through the set of The Walking Dead.

Judging by the “aroma,” I assumed I was treading through their lavatory.

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