JIM TREACHER: Wait, Jussie Is… GUILTY?!?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa.

Whoa.

So you’re telling me that this whole time, Jussie Smollett actually did it? He really is guilty? There were no crackers in MAGA hats prowling the streets of Chicago at 2 a.m. in subzero weather, carrying around ropes and bleach, hunting for TV actors to attack? You’re telling me Jussie faked the whole thing? You’re saying I’m not complicit in this hate crime due to the color of my skin, because there was no hate crime at all?

Wait, what???

I don’t know what to believe anymore. This changes everything. If you can’t trust Jussie Smollett…1

But seriously, folks, I’m genuinely surprised by this verdict because it’s obviously the correct one even though it happened in Chicago. This ditz committed the dumbest fake hate crime in history against himself, and now he’s been proven guilty in a court of law. It’s actually a relief to see justice being served. Not “social justice” or “racial justice” or any other kind of “justice” that apparently requires a modifier. Just plain old justice.

Jussie kind of gave the game away with the double-negative in his 2019 interview with one his media enablers, Robin Roberts of ABC: “I will never be the man that this did not happen to.”

On the other hand, as Treacher writes in his footnote: “Hold on. What if the whole Jussie Smollett thing is a Tenet-type situation? What if, instead of Jussie staging the attack on himself by hiring those Nigerian weightlifters, it was actually Jussie attacking himself? One day in the future, Jussie travels back in time to kick his own ass in 2019, but, see, the 2019 version of Jussie didn’t know about it because he hadn’t even had the idea yet. God, that’s confusing. I hate that movie. I need to watch it again.”

Heh, indeed. Read the whole thing.