A QUALIFIED DEFENSE OF U.S. SOCCER:

I have an unholy inclination to enjoy the sport because I lived in England during my formative years; it’s my cross to bear, and I won’t try to convert you. But allow me to offer one qualified defense of United States soccer (as opposed to “soccer,” generally speaking). And that defense is this: It’s an opportunity for America to prove that we’re great even at things we actively disdain.

I mean, imagine living in Ghana. Literally the only thing you have to be proud of in your dreadful, giraffe-free nation is the fact that your ragtag band of brothers has managed to lay low the Great Satan in the World Cup two outings running. You love soccer so much that the government was literally rationing electricity to ensure that you had enough power to watch the game. You’ll have been looking forward to this day for months, if not years.

And America ruined your shit yesterday.

This is what it means to be a global superpower, the hegemon of hegemons, the big bad bully on the block. We don’t even care about soccer and we still manage to field a decent team. We’ve appeared in the World Cup 10 times; only 12 nations have appeared more frequently than us. We haven’t missed a World Cup since 1990; only a handful of squads can say the same.

Heh, indeed.™

Though I won’t urge you to read the whole thing, because, you know, soccer.