A NON-FAN’S GUIDE TO SUPER BOWL 50. (BECAUSE: NACHOS.) “I’m not saying a roll of Mentos could provide better analysis than Phil Simms of CBS. I’m not saying it—however, I am typing it in a magazine and placing it on a long banner pulled by a biplane. Listen for yourself: When someone makes a great play, Simms will say: ‘Whoa, that’s a great play!’ He is the perfect analyst for football viewers who can’t figure out how to face their television screen. (To be fair, that does account for roughly 40 per cent of Cleveland Browns fans.)”

Ouch.