CHAPTER ONE: HE ADORED GUAM. HE IDOLIZED IT ALL OUT OF PROPORTION. Sooner or later, life imitates the earlier, funnier Woody Allen movies.

Shot: “I’ve got enough for a year. If I, uh, live like Mahatma Gandhi, I’m fine. My accountant says that I did this at a very bad time. My stocks are down. I’m cash-poor or something. I got no cash flow. I’m not liquid or, uh, something’s not flowing. I know it. But they got a language all their own, those guys.”

—Allen’s character kvetching after rashly quitting his job as a TV writer in 1979’s Manhattan.

Chaser: “Democrat Who Worried Guam Might Tip Over Now An Expert on the Free Market (Video).”

—Progressives Today, on the latest utterances of Rep. Hank Johnson, (D-GA) Super Genius, bringing new meaning to the notion of an investment that’s suddenly “under water.”