LOOK, IT’S NOT COMFORTABLE, BUT IT’S TRUE:  Nobody Knows Anything.

BUT OF COURSE:

This is wild. Howard Bryant, the writer trying to smear Sophie Cunningham as "anti-trans and anti-black," was arrested for choking his white wife, then assaulting a police officer, and then blamed his arrest on — wait for it — racism. https://t.co/YBTmVpY39n pic.twitter.com/NnNi0LIzEJ

— Bobby Burack (@burackbobby_) August 4, 2026

OPEN THREAD: Hump Day.

OUR INCESTUOUS MEDIA:

Show of hands how many of you knew Stephen Colbert's daughter worked for 60 minutes and CBS News? https://t.co/u61x0BRDXo

— Stephen L. Miller (@redsteeze) August 5, 2026

YES, WELL, THAT’S WHY THEY KILLED CHARLIE:

College towns voting heavily for Abdul. This is where we are going to miss Charlie Kirk big time. He was our best and greatest ambassador to colleges across the nation. We will miss him very, very, much. pic.twitter.com/fhnLs6RXCJ

— John Bulkeley (@bulkeley_john) August 5, 2026

AMERICA’S NEWSPAPER OF RECORD:

Democrats Celebrate El-Sayed Victory By Firing AK-47s Into The Air https://t.co/AIWs3nKe1u

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) August 5, 2026

THE OCEANS OF MARS: ‘Significant areas of Mars may have once been covered by water’: Scientists find hidden clue in Spirit rover data.

JIM TREACHER: Jon Stewart Is a Good Kapo.

“The Jewish community and Israel are not the same thing, brother man.”

Don’t tell Fetterman. Tell Mamdani. Tell that other terrorist who just won in Michigan. They don’t make that distinction.

Yeah, they’ll smile to Jon Stewart’s face because he’s a useful idiot for them, but they don’t see the difference between him and any Israeli. They’ll line him up against the wall with the rest of the Jews they want to kill.

John Fetterman is against terrorism. Jon Stewart is against getting yelled at by his comrades. He’ll lose his social standing if he doesn’t say what he’s supposed to say.

Just by way of comparison, here is Jon Stewart back in April, talking to… Can you guess?

Jon Stewart gushes over Graham Platner, "The entire set up is somewhat Disney-esque. Well, first of all, there's, kind of, always the fable of a Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, a kind of, you know, an honest man who has real ideals facing off against a corrupt system that is fueled… pic.twitter.com/UTU692vltF

— Alex Christy (@alexchristy17) April 30, 2026

But don’t think of The Daily Show as being leaning even slightly leftward: Stupid or Liar: Daily Show Veterans Deny Hard-Left Bias.

I’M HAPPY NOT TO BE LOVED BY THEM: You’re Not Imagining It – Some People Really Are More Attractive to Mosquitoes, Study Shows.

THESE ARE MY PRINCIPLES, IF YOU DON’T LIKE THEM I HAVE OTHERS:

Francesca Hong, 2020: Cancel Thanksgiving.

Hong, Two Days Ago: Thanksgiving is a time that's incredibly painful for many people in our communities.

Hong, Today: My favorite holiday is Thanksgiving. I love it. pic.twitter.com/cA5Qg9Lm4S

— Western Lensman (@WesternLensman) August 5, 2026

NEWS FROM THE DEPARTMENT OF EARTH-SHATTERING KABOOMS: Scientists Discover Extreme Acceleration Inside a Nuclear Fireball.

POLITICAL APPOINTEES SHOULD KILL BAD GRANTS: Democrats in Congress are up in arms over President Donald Trump’s proposal to give executive branch senior political appointees authority to pre-screen proposed federal grants and to terminate previously approved and continuing funding streams.

In fact under the Constitution, as I write today in The Washington Stand, the President can delegate authority to carry out the his policies that voters endorsed when they elected him to trusted senior political appointees. Democrats are angry because Trump is implementing a counter to the power of the unelected career bureaucrats who routinely dispatch hundreds of billions of tax dollars to far-Left groups.

YEAH, THE AGENDA IS PRETTY PLAIN:

Academic: I think the gullible young people I can manipulate should have more power and the skeptical parents who can see through my bullshit should have less power https://t.co/GuSuR1uLwp

— PoIiMath (@politicalmath) August 5, 2026

HMM: Suspect in alleged gang rape of LSU student Madison Brooks wants to ban pink attire from courtroom.

GET YOUR VITAMINS: Ka’Chava Whole Body Meal Shake Chocolate 2 lb. #CommissionEarned

LACKING A SPLEEN, I DON’T HAVE THOSE ANYWAY: Malaria can permanently deplete spleen macrophages that filter blood and recycle iron.

A SMALL MEASURE OF JUSTICE:

🚨 LMFAO! Ugandan Mayor Mamdani tried to deliver a speech at a New York Police event in Manhattan but was VICIOUSLY booed and jeered off stage

He walked off in SHAME.

Patriots want Mamdani to go BACK to his country! 🇺🇸pic.twitter.com/ovG3TDK9lI

— Eric Daugherty (@EricLDaugh) August 5, 2026

A SMALL MEASURE OF ACCOUNTABILITY:

BREAKING: Prof Jason Arday has resigned from the University of Cambridge after The Telegraph revealed he falsely claimed to have published a book.

Follow the latest developments ⤵️https://t.co/BEB0eVBCtS pic.twitter.com/pjTILJRE2b

— The Telegraph (@Telegraph) August 5, 2026

Related:

A decades-long campaign to elevate people based on arbitrary characteristics (race, gender, sexual orientation) instead of merit has crashed into publicly available tools for objective evaluation https://t.co/kKfRkWhUUW

— Jon Levine (@LevineJonathan) August 5, 2026

WHAT A RIDE, THOUGH: Jason Arday, Cambridge professor accused of plagiarism, lying about career, resigns — as elite school launches investigation.

UPDATE:

🚨BREAKING: Jason Arday, the Cambridge professor exposed for plagiarism and fabricating major aspects of his life story, has resigned.

According to leading AI writing detection software Pangram, Arday's resignation letter is "Fully AI Generated" with "High Confidence." pic.twitter.com/XkiUJzjVbU

— Colin Wright (@SwipeWright) August 5, 2026

AMERICA’S NEWSPAPER OF RECORD:

Middle East Expanded To Include Michigan https://t.co/B5CASIviql

— The Babylon Bee (@TheBabylonBee) August 5, 2026

COUNTERMARKETING: Audi CEO Says Normal Door Handles Are One Of The Q9’s Best Features: Audi CEO has revealed that the electric door handles for the Q9 almost made it to production.

MATT MARGOLIS: Bombshell Declassified FBI Document Blows Up Everything We Ever Heard About Russiagate.

CHRISTIAN TOTO: Media Bullies Tate McRae for Possible MAGA Connection. “Here’s what started the absurd attacks. This is a quote from a new Variety profile, one where the interviewer pressed the apolitical star on, you guessed it, her political views.”

I TOLD YOU SO:

HOLY SHIT WHAT

Mamdani's "socialist" grocery stores are going to be run by private operators? And they receive the right to run the store from the government but then control the supply of discount cards themselves? And they have full discretion over purchasing and hiring…

— Swann Marcus (@SwannMarcus89) August 5, 2026

Of course, predicting that the latest For the People™ scheme is just another grift isn’t exactly a tough call.

BRITISH MAN ARRESTED AFTER DRESSING AS GRIM REAPER, BRANDISHING BLADE, STARING DOWN FROM HOSPITAL ROOF:

This man is a legend.

Man arrested after ‘dressing as Grim Reaper’ at hospital and staring at patients https://t.co/UhdjNsDfbC

— Dr Helen Ingram (@drhingram) August 4, 2026

Come on, he was just checking in on his future clients!

Well, 26-year-old Welshman Leon Gillespie was brandishing a blade, so there’s that. And I suppose he did seem to be dressed as the Angel of Death (though he says it was simply a “crow costume”).

I also suppose he perched himself atop Ysbyty Glan Clwyd Hospital in Denbighshire, long blade in hand, making noises down toward visitors and staff as if to say “you’re next.”

Welshman apparently jealous of Florida man: