December 9, 2014

ARE YOU SURE IT WASN’T LENA DUNHAM? Man With Gender Studies Degree Terrorizes Party.

Witnesses say that the incident began over a seemingly innocuous comment made by a party guest about a local filmmaker. “I said I wasn’t really into Lena Dunham’s new book,” Mallory Nyguen said. “Next thing I know, I’m being asked if I know the hurdles women in the entertainment industry face and something about the male gaze.”

Nyguen, who is an actress, is both a woman and working in the entertainment industry, added, “I just knew he wasn’t going to stop until I gave in and admitted my privilege.”

“He came out of nowhere,” says hostess Sarah Casey. Casey believes he is somehow connected to one of her “idiot” coworkers, though none of her invited party guests would admit to knowing the perpetrator. “It all happened in slow motion. I just hid under the table until he left. ”

Parker moved throughout the party, unleashing the fundamental concepts of his undergraduate major at every opportunity. “It was kind of weird to get lectured about the patriarchy by, y’know, a member of the patriarchy,” one victim commented. “He called me an Uncle Tom for wearing bras.”

In a particularly disturbing turn, one witness said that Parker claimed that he had “read too many books to even see gender anymore,” a claim the witness added was especially dubious, as it was never made clear what specific books Parker was reading. “He just kept asking if I’d heard of the Madonna/Whore complex, which isn’t a book.”

A review of Parker’s social media reveals that this is not the first time he has weaponized his liberal arts degree.

Heh. I think he’s now working as a fact-checker for Rolling Stone.

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